


shampoo and a pity party

by philliebf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kinda, Light Smut, M/M, Masturbation, References to Depression, Smut, also kinda - Freeform, but like, he masturbates at one point, i forgot to tag that heheheheh, i just like had a breakdown and cried and this is what came of that, i just.... here, idek what the fuck this is, its its own paragraph u can skip it i wont get mad, maybe???, okay it made me soft tho, ummm this is word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 00:22:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philliebf/pseuds/philliebf
Summary: dan tries to fend off sinking into a depressive episode. all he wants is phil, but also to be left completely alone.





	shampoo and a pity party

**Author's Note:**

> hmm yeah idk what this is i wrote it in an hour and its just me word vomiting into a word document after i cried for like 3 hours.
> 
> it's virtually unedited and unrevised so like please call me out on it.
> 
> tell me how trash it is!!! philliebf.tumblr.com

He never thought coconuts would keep him grounded. Or coffee beans in the morning. A garlic scented tee shirt after dinner. He never thought that light snores would help him find his way home through a fog no one else could see. Dan never thought a lot when the fog came it rolled in slowly at first, no matter how hard he tried to keep it at bay. His own mind wasn’t strong enough to push it away because his own mind pushed it toward him. 

 

Today was a foggy day. A day where the world moved around him and he stood still. Feeling nothing, not even the satisfaction of an empty and heavy heart. Dan slept in the guest room last night, hoping the bright colours and sheer essence of Phil would burn the fog before it settled. It was the perfect balance of wanting to be completely alone and wanting to be surrounded by Phil to take the fog away. He still woke up empty, lost and frightened of what seemed to be an inescapable fog. 

 

Dan forced himself to shower that morning, he hadn’t seen Phil yet and wasn’t remotely ready to interact with anyone. He needed to be left alone in a time where the ones who love him should be supporting him. He didn’t even know if Phil was up yet and frankly he didn’t care, he just didn’t want to interact. As much of a task as showering was, it was better than the other options he had presented himself with. 

 

He was waiting for the shower to start to steam before getting in. Normally he would have Phil in the bathroom with him. Phil would be brushing his teeth, getting into the shower first so he had time to adjust to the water getting progressively hotter before Dan would join him. Normally they would talk about their previous internet adventures from the night before or discuss video ideas. Their normal was a shower where there were no distractions from the other just them in their own world. Today Dan was alone, and he so desperately wished Phil would come and knock, not that he had the strength to face Phil just yet. He just wished he would knock and check up on him. Make sure he was okay. He never did; after ten years sometimes Phil still found himself unsure of what to say when Dan got like this.

 

Phil was far more physical. He would hold Dan when he so desperately wanted to cry but his body was too numb. Or even when he cried so hard he made himself sick. He would run his hands over Dan’s arms brush his thumb against the freckle on Dan's cheek. He would do it all without saying a word and it would pull Dan back to reality. Right now, Dan wished Phil would find the words he needed to hear, but that just wasn’t Phil and Dan couldn’t blame him for that. 

 

Dan sat on the toilet for far too long after he finished his business. The steam from the shower had grown into a fog much like Dan’s mind all through the bathroom. When he got in the water burned his skin ever so slightly. It relaxed the tension in his shoulders and he finally felt like he could breathe. 

 

He felt like maybe a wank could bring him out of this fog. Dan convinced himself that it would make him feel good and that was better than feeling nothing at all. He began to pull at his dick imagining Phil was there to do it for him. Working him up and down in a slow and steady pace that would drive him wild. He had to imagine Phil would be pressed up against him, he drew the memory. The way Phil’s dick would press against his ass. Dan forced himself on like this for what felt like a forever, but was more so probably fifteen minutes. With a quick breath and somewhat silenced groan, Dan came on his own hand. For just a glimmer of a second, he felt pleasure and happiness. 

 

Then his stomach began to turn and he felt nauseated, the emptiness returned. With a defeated sigh he rinsed himself off and reached for the shampoo. Phil had gotten it from Boots and Dan hated it. It was good for his curls but it smelled of coconut, he washed his hair quickly. He no longer cared if he would have dander for the next week. He washed his hair as quickly as possible the smell of coconut turning his stomach even more.

 

After he finished washing and turned the water off Dan had to hold himself up against the tile. He was breathing heavy and spit onto the tile floor. Deciding he needed to lay down and sleep more, Dan put his day-old pajamas back on and made his way to his own room. The room he and Phil shared, needed to sleep in his own bed surrounded by his own things. Not on a set that he loved, but wasn’t home. 

 

Upon entering his room he noticed a lump on the left side of the bed. He heard a light snoring and his heart warmed. Electricity pulsed through his veins and he felt the fog lift ever so slightly. He pulled the sheets on his side of the bed. Phil stirred ever so slightly at the introduction to the cold air outside the bed. Dan looked fondly at the sleeping man and climbed into bed next to him. It took all of four seconds for Phil to shift and snuggle into Dan’s side. 

 

“Hmf, finally… missed m-you last night,” Phil said in a low and sleepy groan. 

 

Dan kissed the top of Phil’s sleep disturbed quiff and the light but strong scent of coconut wafted through his nose and into his lungs. It didn’t make him feel sick though, it made him feel warm. 

 

Dan nudged Phil so he would wake ever so slightly. 

 

“Coconut?” he questioned. 

 

“Mm, ran out of my shampoo two days ago,” Phil said through a yawn. 

 

He had used Dan’s shampoo and for the first time since Phil had bought it, he didn't feel sick smelling it. He felt comforted, he felt like he was at home. It smelt good because Phil was the one using it and for the first time that morning, the fog had cleared. 

 

Dan began to lay down his heart feeling warm and his eyes drifting to sleep through the moment of clarity. He knew the fog would return. Maybe when he woke up, maybe in a week, maybe in a month. The fog always returned. 

 

But now he knew, all he needed was a little bit of coconut shampoo to lift it away. A little bit of that and a lot of Phil. Maybe then, for a fraction of a second, he would be able to keep the fog at bay. 


End file.
